One Year Later: My Ex Has A New Girlfriend

A few days ago my ex texted me to tell me that he has a new girlfriend. I kind of already knew because a few months ago we decided that we wanted to be friends and he said that next time he was back in town he would text me and let me know so we could meet up. However, he was back a few times but never told me. So I assumed that he must be seeing someone else and he didn't think it was right to meet up with me. So when he told me it was just confirming what I kind of already knew. Since I had already kinda of mentally prepared myself it made it easier for me to be happy for him in the moment. At the end of the day he was my first love and I will always love him in some sort of way and care for him so I just want him to be happy.

However, about 30mins after I started getting this HUGE pit in my stomach and all of a sudden all I wanted to do was throw up. I felt sick. I could barely take 2 bites of my dinner. Luckily, I had plans for the night and my friends were over so I was going to be do something to keep my mind off it. The distraction of my friends worked up until it was time to go to bed. The pit was back and I couldn't sleep at all that night. All I kept thinking about was how he told me she goes to school in the midwest while he lives on the east coast. HE'S DOING A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP AGAIN! Granted, he said she's moving out to the east coast this summer after she is done with school but still that's not till May! This is a guy who can't think about 3 days into the future let alone 7 months from now. I just don't get it. I guess it must mean he really likes her.

When he was telling me about her he also decided to tell me how their relationship went bad for a bit because he forgot her birthday but everything was fine now. I don't need to know about their relationship. I am happy that he met someone but I don't need to know details. Ugh. I think if he had just told me her and now details of their relationship I would feel a lot better about it right now.

So as I was trying to fall asleep I thought that I would write out a text expressing all of this to get my emotions out and hopefully the pit would go away. Below is what I wrote out but I did not send it yet, I am still deciding if I should or not.

So you know how you said if I ever needed to talk you'd always be there? Well I'm cashing that in. Let me start out by saying that all I ever want is for you to be happy. I am glad you met someone else and I can tell that you really like her because you're already talking about begin with her next summer when you usually can't even see yourself 3days into the future haha and since you like her I am sure she is a wonderful person. I kinda already knew you met someone since you were never telling me when you were in town and figured that since you just started seeing someone new it wouldn't be right to see me which I completely understand. You've always been considerate and loyal in that way. So when you told me it just confirmed what I already knew so it made it easy for me to be happy for you in that moment. I am really glad you told me because I would've hated hearing from someone else but since then I've felt a huge pit in my stomach and I haven't been able to sleep. I wish that wasn't the case but unfortunately it is. It would probably have been a lot easier if you had just told me you were gay haha Anyways, like I said I am glad you told me but could we be friends without talking about your relationship? Like I said I'm glad you met someone and I'm glad that everything is working out between you two but it's still a little weird and hard to hear about it. 

It's long I know. Still don't know if I should send it right now or wait to see if he texts me about their relationship again and draw the line then.

Post Breakup: 5 Stages of Grief

Denial

I could not believe that the man I was with for 4 years and that I thought I would end up one day marrying was no longer that man for me anymore. I was in complete denial about it all. If anyone asked me about our break up my response would be that everything was fine and that we would eventually get back together. I kept telling myself that to a point where I started believing it. I was completely forgetting about how much heartbreak he had caused me to a point where I was willing to get back together with him.

Anger

This is when a side of me that I did not recognize came out. I was angry at everything and everyone. I was angry at my ex. I was angry because I felt like I was led on for 4 years and because he seemed to be handling our break up way better than I was. However, at the end of the day I was most angry at myself. I was angry that I didn't listen to my judgement early on and that I let myself be led on. Most of all, I was angry that I let myself love. I thought that if I had not let myself love then I would have never had to feel the way I do. 

Bargaining

I started to believe that the breakup was all my fault. I started to think that if I had done things differently then we would still be together. I thought that maybe if I had just moved to where he was and not have had to have done a long distance relationship things would be different and that we would still be together. So many "if onlys" went through my head. If only had I visited him more, if only had I been closer to his family and friends, if only had we talked more, if only had I been less needy, if only had we been intimate more often, if only had I been a better girlfriend.

Depression

Ugh this stage was the worst for me. At this point I had graduated college and was back to living at my parents house. I was taking a few months off to study for the MCAT so I was home alone all day while my parents were at work. However, I got absolutely no MCAT studying done during this time. When my mom would ask what was wrong I would just tell her that I didn't feel well which considering I get sick a lot and don't have the best health, it was an easy lie to believe even by my mother. I would cry anytime I was alone which happened to be all the time. It seemed like anything and everything was making me cry. I would hide in my room and only leave to use the bathroom. I never wanted anyone to know that I felt this way so I stopped seeing my friends. Since I was supposed to be studying it was an easy excuse to get out of doing stuff. I made excuses for everything to a point where I didn't even celebrate my birthday. I have always been the strong and logical one of my friends and I didn't want anyone to think of me as weak and irrational. 

Acceptance

It has been a year now since the break up and although I think I have accepted it at times, I am still working on it. So far I have come to accept that because of the heartbreak my ex caused me we will never get back together. I have accepted that it was ok that I loved because I also saw and felt what it means to be loved back. I have accepted that there is nothing I could have done different. I have accepted that it is ok to be sad and to let those around you know that you are sad. 

About My Past Relationship

My ex and I dated for almost 4 years. We met when I was a Freshman in college and he was a Senior. He had skipped 2 grades when he was younger so although he was 3 years ahead of me in school he was only a year older than me. We met through my new college roommates. He went to a college that was about an hour away from the college I went to. However, we both had friends that went to each other's colleges so when we were visiting our friends we would always meet up. He would tell my new roommates that he really liked me but I was hesitant about dating. Being the logical thinker I am, before starting college I had told myself that I would not date anyone freshman year because I wanted to make friends and get into the groove of college before I got into a relationship. Well, I started liking him and all that logic went out the window of my dorm. 

We started dating in November and two months later he found out that after graduation in May he would be taking a job on the east coast (I went to school in the midwest). Since I had already thrown all logic out the window we decided that we would continue our relationship and try long distance after. Long distance was hard but for the first year we saw each other almost every 2 weeks. He would fly in to see me or I would fly to see him. However, as the years went on our relationship became less of a priority to him and we started to see each other less and less. Granted, he started law school so he had less time to see me than he did while he was working. But when he did have time he was choosing to see his friends over me. I started to see this about 3 years into our relationship so I tried to talk about it and when that didn't go anywhere I tried to break up with him. However, when I tried he started crying and I could see the heartbreak in his eyes. He told me that he loved me an that he would try harder and that he would change. This same conversation happened a few too many times but when he would tell me he would try, I believed him because I was still head over heels in love with him and I think he believed he could change too. However, at the end of the day this wasn't the case and 4 years after we started dating we decided to break up. 

I wish I could say a bunch of bad stuff about my ex but that isn't the case. He is a great guy. However, even though he wanted and thought he was ready for a relationship, he wasn't. And in turn, I ended up as the one that's heartbroken. 

About This Blog

Heartbreaks Are The Worst

You find yourself randomly crying and have this awful feeling in your stomach like you had just gotten kicked in the gut. Heart breaks take over your emotions and your body and you can't seem to control it and/or make it stop. You feel like you're alone in the world and can't seem to figure out why you feel the way you do. Well, anyhow, that's how I've felt and still feel from time to time. As a scientist I am a logical thinker but one thing I have learned so far is there is absolutely no logic to a heart break. The only conclusion I have come to is that heart breaks are the WORST.

Why I Started Blogging

I needed a new outlet to express my emotions. Talking to friends and family is great but it's already hard for you to understand why your feeling this way and if they haven't experienced a heart break it is difficult for them to relate. I chose a blog as my new outlet in hopes that other people might be able to relate and know they aren't the only ones going through this. Ultimately I would like this blog to be more of a community where we can help each other out and hopefully mend one heart at a time. 

Join me as we all journey to a mended heart and be heartbroken no more.