Post Breakup: 5 Stages of Grief

Denial

I could not believe that the man I was with for 4 years and that I thought I would end up one day marrying was no longer that man for me anymore. I was in complete denial about it all. If anyone asked me about our break up my response would be that everything was fine and that we would eventually get back together. I kept telling myself that to a point where I started believing it. I was completely forgetting about how much heartbreak he had caused me to a point where I was willing to get back together with him.

Anger

This is when a side of me that I did not recognize came out. I was angry at everything and everyone. I was angry at my ex. I was angry because I felt like I was led on for 4 years and because he seemed to be handling our break up way better than I was. However, at the end of the day I was most angry at myself. I was angry that I didn't listen to my judgement early on and that I let myself be led on. Most of all, I was angry that I let myself love. I thought that if I had not let myself love then I would have never had to feel the way I do. 

Bargaining

I started to believe that the breakup was all my fault. I started to think that if I had done things differently then we would still be together. I thought that maybe if I had just moved to where he was and not have had to have done a long distance relationship things would be different and that we would still be together. So many "if onlys" went through my head. If only had I visited him more, if only had I been closer to his family and friends, if only had we talked more, if only had I been less needy, if only had we been intimate more often, if only had I been a better girlfriend.

Depression

Ugh this stage was the worst for me. At this point I had graduated college and was back to living at my parents house. I was taking a few months off to study for the MCAT so I was home alone all day while my parents were at work. However, I got absolutely no MCAT studying done during this time. When my mom would ask what was wrong I would just tell her that I didn't feel well which considering I get sick a lot and don't have the best health, it was an easy lie to believe even by my mother. I would cry anytime I was alone which happened to be all the time. It seemed like anything and everything was making me cry. I would hide in my room and only leave to use the bathroom. I never wanted anyone to know that I felt this way so I stopped seeing my friends. Since I was supposed to be studying it was an easy excuse to get out of doing stuff. I made excuses for everything to a point where I didn't even celebrate my birthday. I have always been the strong and logical one of my friends and I didn't want anyone to think of me as weak and irrational. 

Acceptance

It has been a year now since the break up and although I think I have accepted it at times, I am still working on it. So far I have come to accept that because of the heartbreak my ex caused me we will never get back together. I have accepted that it was ok that I loved because I also saw and felt what it means to be loved back. I have accepted that there is nothing I could have done different. I have accepted that it is ok to be sad and to let those around you know that you are sad.